02 03 Chard in Yorkshire: The Expendables rolled out for another outing! 04 05 15 16 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 31 32 33

The Expendables rolled out for another outing!

“Stallone” and “Schwarzenegger” stood and surveyed the scene. It was carnage. “Lundgren” was lying prone on the ground. “The Rock” had been felled by a shot to the chest and “Jet Li” was hobbling around gingerly, testing his ankle gingerly. The people of Yeovil had never seen anything of its like before!

All Action Heroes

No, the latest Expendables film is not set in Somerset, it was simply another outing for one of my touring hockey teams who go by the same name.

A few years ago some friends from my old hockey team London Strollers decided they would put together a touring team, exclusively for us men over the age of 30. The team’s debut coincided with the release of the film “The Expendables”, featuring a group of ageing action heroes rolled out for their final hurrah. Apart from the “all-action” descriptor, this quite accurately described the team, and so the name stuck.

Nothing agricultural about the Yeovil pitch!

It had actually been around 2 years since our last tour to Timperley in Manchester, so to coincide with the launch of The Expendables 3, we made yet another appearance. This time we would be travelling to deepest, darkest Somerset to take on Yeovil and Epsom.
Aside from the seemingly never-ending drive from Yorkshire, Yeovil is in a very pretty part of the world. I especially enjoyed following the signs to “Chard” as it felt as though they had been personally erected to guide me.

The Finer Things in Life

As our ages range between 33-47 we all still like the idea of hockey tour, but our bodies can’t quite cope with the tours we were used to in our 20s. At this age, it is time for the finer things in life, such as a hotel (not a tent), some decent real ale (not Snakebite & Black through a funnel whilst performing a handstand) and perhaps a slightly less punishing match day schedule! So we ended up staying at a very nice hotel right in the heart of Yeovil called the Manor Court.

We were due to play Epsom on the evening we arrived, but after a few ales in the hotel bar, the prospect of a hard match under floodlights was suddenly less appealing!

Yeovil’s home pitch is brand spanking new and a superb facility, meaning we would have to work extra hard. Only a handful of us actually play regular league hockey and some hadn’t even picked up a stick since the last tour, so it was going to be difficult against a team who had played together regularly all season.

This hypothesis was proved correct as Epsom roared into a 3-0 lead, before pressing home their advantage in the second half, eventually running out 6-0 winners.

After the match we slowly made our way up a very big hill to a pub called The Quicksilver Mail. We did encounter one “oggy” local on the way – a fairly irate female who was shouting into her phone on hands-free mode. Scared the beejeebers out of us! Once safely inside, I was overjoyed to find they had a skittle alley, but then disappointed that it had been booked out for a private function. The rest of the night was spent playing drinking games followed by the obligatory kebab and bed.

More Thrashings and Lashings of Cider

I was disappointed to wake up with a thumping head, mouth by Rothmans (despite the fact I don’t smoke) and aching limbs. The one upside was the opportunity to have an actual lie in beyond 7am! Something I never achieve as a parent!

Assuming that breakfast had already been served, we headed into town to find something greasy to take the edge off the elephants that were dancing in my stomach. We eventually found a bakery and I have to say the Pasty I had was simply amazing. Being an adopted Northerner, I had forgotten how much better Pasties are in this part of the World.

As we were just about to leave, much to our dismay we found out that breakfast was still being served, and it was included in the price of our room. D’oh.

Despite playing valiantly and actually scoring two goals, we lost both our matches v Yeovil 4-1 and 5-1. However, we were never in it for the glory of winning and the run around had done everyone some good…or so it first appeared.

Upon return to the hotel, it was like watching a geriatrics day out as teammate after teammate hobbled slowly and painfully down the stairs, clutching at the bannister on shaky legs. We played a few quick drinking games which mainly involved betting ludicrous amounts of drink and sticking playing cards to our heads.

We then made our way out to the Yeovil Beer Festival (non CAMRA affiliated as my teammate John pointed out) which was being held at Yeovil College.

I was mightily impressed. We had already been encouraged to buy our entry ticket and beer tokens online beforehand, so there was no faffing about with coins or any real need to take cash. The selection of ales was very good, bar staff were efficient and best of all, there was a well stocked cider section!

After numerous pints of various concoctions we were rocking it out to a covers band. And before we knew it, it was time to leave. The hardy (or foolhardy) amongst us even ventured onto a “club”, which was actually very quiet indeed.

All in all, it had been a very successful third outing for The Expendables. Entertaining, determined, rugged….in a way Arnie and Co could never imagine!

The Expendables 2014

Labels: Hockey tales

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